Not Enron

Finally, something worthwhile on HuffPo. It’s a round up of the best Craigslist ads. This one was definitely not posted by Enron:

I am really curious what this company does. Who are these people? Are they actually making money?

News Alert: OWS Protesters Devolve Into Zombies

In a shocking development, the Occupy Wall Street protesters were observed randomly attacking walkers-by and ripping them apart! Eye witnesses report that the protesters appear to be eating their victims, with an apparent preference for the unfortunate victims’ brains. Police and emergency crews report similar incidents at the sites of the “Occupy” protests throughout the nation.

When asked about this development, Geraldo Rivera, who has been covering the Occupy movement for Fox News, commented, “This explains a lot. The protesters have always been inarticulate, unable to explain themselves or even to mutter coherent sentences. They stink, and they congregate in hordes. I originally thought they were just on drugs, but I saw that they became more mindless and violent over time. Who could have guessed that they were actually turning into zombies!”

Sarah Palin, the popular ex-Governor of Alaska, told the press, “These people are a plague on our nation. They know nothing, and they have long been accomplishing nothing. They have always been intellectual zombies — now they are just becoming on the surface what they have always been inside.”

Charles Krauthammer, drawing on his background in psychology, put the developments into perspective. “Why is anyone surprised by this? These protesters resent the fact that there are people in the world who used their own brains to make themselves rich and successful. Because these rich people are unwilling simply to hand over their earnings to the protesters, the protesters are now turning into creatures who are willing to eat the brains of other people in their fruitless quest to find a shortcut to wealth that does not require them to perform actual productive work.”

Nancy Pelosi expressed a different view. “We should not be quick to judge these protesters. These people are just upset and expressing their discontentment with the disparity of incomes in this country. People like this are the backbone of the Democratic Party!”

Obama, still making speeches as he travels across the country in what he insists is not a campaign tour, commented, “This simply shows that we need much more stimulus money injected into the economy. If we simply tax the rich people enough, this problem will go away. While I personally don’t eat other people’s brains, we must protect the rights of people who choose to do so.”

Newt Gingrich offered a historical perspective, “The Liberals have already tried the vampire route — they have been sucking the lifeblood out of our economy for the past three years. I mean, just take a close look at Harry Reid — that man does not even try to camouflage the fact that he is a blood sucker. It was bound to happen that eventually the Liberals would devolve into the walking dead. While an individual Liberal may be pathetic and disgusting, it is only when they congregate in hordes that they become dangerous.”

A former Enron defendant drew a connection to his own experiences, “It’s an ‘open secret’ that the Department of Justice is staffed by ghouls. When federal prosecutor, John Kroger, said that the DOJ’s Enron Task Force wanted ‘scalps’, he meant it literally. My own belief is that what we are seeing with the protesters is the migration of the federal virus into the broader population. It hit the Liberals first because they are in bed with the federal government. But eventually, the out-of-control government virus is a danger to us all.”

From The Musical E! By Cara Ellison: And The Money Kept Rolling In

(Disclaimer: I don’t agree with everything I’m writing here; I had to finesse some of the words and ideas to get it to fit into the song.)

This is the height of the LJM deals. Cliff Baxter and Jeff McMahon are fed up with LJM. And so they burst into song, because that happened all the time at Enron Corporation.

And The Money Kept Rolling In

Cliff Baxter:

And the money kept rolling in from every side
Andy’s greedy hands reached out and they reached wide
Now you may feel it should have been on the balance sheet disclosed
But that’s not the point my friends
When the money keeps rolling in, you don’t ask how
Think of all the people guaranteed a good time now
Andy’s called the banks to him, open up the doors
Never been a fund like LJM!

Chorus:

(Workers:)
Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money

Rollin’ on in, rollin’ on in
Rollin’ on in, rollin’ on in
On in

Jeff McMahon:

Would you like to try some fancy securitization?
Own a piece of LJM, or take the interest in compensation?
Andy and his blessed fund can make your dreams come true!
Here’s all you have to do my friends
Write your name and your dream on a card or a pad or a ticket
Throw it high in the air and should Andy pick it
He will buy a plant or a barge or maybe even two
Name me anyone who cares as much as Andy Fastow

(chorus)

Rollin’ on out, rollin’ on out
Rollin’ on out, rollin’ on out
On out

(Cliff Baxter)

And the money kept rolling out in all directions
To the banks, to the funds, to the SPEs
Now cynics claim a little of the cash has gone astray
But that’s not the point my friends
When the money keeps rolling out you don’t keep it on the books
You can tell you’ve done well by the happy grateful looks
Accountants only slow things down, figures get in the way
Never been a team as great as LJM and Enron

(chorus)

Rollin’ on out, rollin’ on out
Rollin’ on out, rollin’ on out
On out

(Jeff McMahon:)

When the money keeps rolling out you don’t keep books
You can tell you’ve done well by the happy grateful looks
Accountants only slow things down, figures get in the way
Never been a team like us and Andy Fastow

(chorus)

Rollin’ on out, rollin’ on out
Rollin’ on out, rollin’ on out
Rollin’ on out, rollin’ on out
On out

More songs here

How Enron Screwed People

Enron followed her into the living room, checking it out in a way that made everything look suddenly small. He had so much physical presence, and the force of masculinity was so powerful that she felt dragged along an invisible current, following behind him, until he suddenly spun around and smiled at her, then sat smack dab in the middle of her sofa. His sprawl left no place to sit except directly beside him. Feeling somewhat awkward, she scooted in, making him grin as she tried to fit. Arrogant bastard, he knew exactly what he was doing. If only she had the nerve to throw him out. She delicately squeezed beside him, hyper aware of her bare leg against his. Her pajama shorts were loose fitting but quite short, giving him an eyeful of the entire length of her freshly shaven and peachly sleek limb.

The Porch Of Shinbones That Enron Built

Cracked.com is one of my favorite sites. I check it out usually every day. Today’s great find was entitled The Five Weirdest Things That Control The Global Economy.

Number Five is “Belief in Hell.” The explanation is pretty interesting but what made me laugh was the graphic:

That caption reads: “That whole Enron scandal won me enough new souls to build a whole porch out of shinbones.”

Pretty funny. Absolutely wrong and ridiculous, but still funny.

Conversation With An Enron Executive About Donald Duck

Me: I just spoke to [deleted]. I asked her to overnite the checks. I’ll have them in the morning.

Big: Spend that money like a miser. Make it last as long as possible!

Me: I will be like Donald Duck’s uncle, Uncle Scrooge McDuck (I have no idea why they have similar but not identical last names. I suppose Uncle Scrooge came from Ireland. That’s as much as I know about the genealogy of the Duck/McDuck family.) Anyway, like Scrooge McDuck, I’ll just sit here and count my money all day, refusing to give orphans any porridge or blankets.

Big: Sounds perfect! Be as misery as Scrooge McDuck and as smart as Ludwig Von Drake.

Me: Why would Scrooge McDuck have a different name from Donald Duck? Maybe Donald’s Mom married a duck with the last name “Duck”?

I had to google Ludwig Von Drake.

Big: Perhaps the McDucks were a clan of Scottish ducks. The McDucks were anti-English, but got beat by the pro-English clans. The McDucks escaped to America. Scrooge, being too mean to be afraid, kept the McDuck name. But Donald’s father, being not as brave, dropped the “Mc” to camouflage his true clan affiliation.

Me: That is probably what happened. I actually believe that story.

So is Donald’s refusal to wear pants a protest against the English?

Big: Yes, it is a subtle, but largely ineffective, protest. He is not bold enough to wear kilts, but just goes bare-assed instead.

Me: LOL! I haven’t laughed like this in *days*! THANK YOU for that!! I love you. I actually have tears in my eyes from cracking up at that. You’re such a dork. : )

May I post this on my blog? It’s too good not to share.

Big: You can post it, but I don’t know why you are laughing. I’m pretty sure that what I am telling you is accurate. : )

The John Kroger Craigslist Ad

In February, Representative Chris Lee (R-NY) was caught trolling for women on Craigslist. The picture that he sent his potential paramour was so embarrassingly textbook:

Dude flexing into a mirror. Ladies and gents, there is your definition of a douche. But anyway, I can’t get this picture out of my head because he looks a lot like John Kroger to me, with a huge stipulation that whatever Chris Lee’s failings as a husband and a decent human being, his body is about a thousand times hotter than John Kroger’s. Still, I can absolutely see John Kroger doing something like this, and worse, I can actually visualize, quite easily, him sending pretty much this exact picture.

The fact that John Kroger is utterly lacking in sex appeal is ironically the reason I can see it. I think most women see him as gravel. Or shoe-gum. He probably senses this. After all, though I think he’s an intellectual lightweight, he’s gotta have the IQ of a mollusk, at least. Though he’s married, I get the feeling vows don’t mean much to him. He’d be the type to go to a hooker or try to set something up through Craigslist. This would be his ad:

Sexy Classy Guy For Discreet Lady

Insanely aggressive, territorial d-bag in search of a timid lady with no self-esteem who I can fuck and then indict on any charge I can find (I once indicted someone for littering during Mardi Gras. That was fun.) I do not have supersized genitalia, washboard abs or hyperactive stamina, but I can provide you with a picture of my penis.

You should be waxed like a barbie doll and a deep-throating goddess.

I am not all about sex, however. I am amenable to post-coital readings of Dave Barry and I can teach your cat how to walk on a leash.

Serious inquiries only.

An Enron Trial Conversation

This is an email conversation with an Enron executive from several years ago.

Me: What are you doing?
He: Trial prep. Developing witness direct examination outline.
Me: Can I be a witness? I’ll tell them you’re innocent.
He: We’ll save you as a surprise witness.
Me: That’s a good idea. I can tell the jury Knock Knock jokes. Do you think they’d like that?
He: I think you should have a wardrobe malfunction on the witness stand.
Me: Oh I could totally do that. And I’ll ask [lawyer] for a glass of water and “accidentally” spill it on my blouse, exposing my bra underneath.
He: I will leap up with a cloth and start patting the water off your bra. The prosecutor will yell:
“Objection, Your Honor! He is fondling the witness!”
Me: The jury will be agog with the drama of it all. And the prosecutors will know they’ve lost.
He: Make a note of this strategy.

Enron Employed 100 Million People

I know it’s ridiculous to try and answer every stupid-head that comes down the pike, but this amused me.

A hundred million people? That’s a third of the population of the United States. That’s ten times larger than the population of Houston, where Enron was headquartered. Is it possible this person has made an error?

The whole screed is a socialist whine about how big business is so mean so we know that this person hasn’t the foggiest idea of economics. I guess it’s not that big a shock that he would so vastly overestimate Enron’s workforce.

But it’s still funny to think about. Not even Cara Ellison Corporation has that many employees.

I Am Not Amused

I found this on Amazon.

Yeah, watch out! Rick Causey might mark to market you!

Horoscopes of Enron Executives

Jeff Skilling

To take away the energy of your enemies, capture the hearts of their generals.

Kevin Howard

Things are exactly as they appear to be, and behind them is nothing. But behind that, there may be something.

Ken Rice

To plunder a locality, divide your troops. To expand your territory, divide the spoils.

Rex Shelby

Out of clutter, simplicity. Out of discord, harmony. Out of sight, out of mind.

Scott Yeager

Three lesser networks subordinate themselves to the backbone. All networks are not created equal. But on the desktop, it all looks the same. E Pluribus Unum, baby: the network is the computer. Today’s themes are synergy, cooperation.

Michael Krautz

Finding a needle in a haystack is a lot easier if you burn down the haystack and scan the ashes with a metal detector. Use technology to your advantage.

Andy Fastow

Less solitary confinement, more hard labor. Responsibility, loss of autonomy.

Phrases I Have Not Used In A Sex Scene (But Still Might)

1. When Tom saw her body, he could not help but think she was even hotter than a blow up doll, though he was not sure if she was as hot as Rebecca Mark, because everyone said she was a fox.

2. She found him even sexier than a thousand Enron executives.

3. “Please do me like Scott Yeager does indictments,” she gasped. “All the way.”

4. Her naked body was slim, even anemic, much like the prosecution’s case against Enron executives.

5 He took her away like an Enron executive in handcuffs.

6. He sat up and she gently ran her fingers over the warm skin of his back. “Don’t worry,” she said. “Like Jeff Skilling said, some things work and some things don’t.”

Rex Shelby Cited By Enron Fashion Police

It’s Friday, which can only mean one of two things: I will be posting topless pictures of myself and / or I write silly stuff about Enron executives. But today will be a little different, because there is nothing silly about a man wearing the exact same suit, shirt, and necktie more than four years apart.

Never let it be said I hold this against him in any way. I would happily iron his shirts if he asked me to.

But still.

The first picture is Mr. Shelby looking fresh at the 2000 analyst conference. He’s answering a question here, all Mr. I Got Your Answer Right Here. He violates Cara’s rule about No Blue Shirts EVER!! But I have to admit, it looks pretty nice with the dark grey suit. The purple necktie even looks pretty good, which sort of surprises me; he’s wearing a lot of color and still looks very sharp. Altogether a solid showing. All the Broadband guys where crazy stuff that would make my hair hurt if someone described it but actually looks really good in person.

Then… Sans mustache, some many years later, Rex is snapped by the Houston Chronicle in the exact same outfit! Surely I canna be the only one scandalized by this. Surely I am not the only one who fretted in my diary that, “I fear I must do something dramatic for the elegant Mr Shelby has worn the same outfit in a four year period.” Surely there is worldwide outrage at this! And yet, the outrage is hidden from view as everyone pretends not to care. We Americans are so stiff-upper-lip about some things.

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Enron Prophesy: Book 2.3

And Eve did scribe her knowledge for ten and eighty days. In the desert alone she had no food, but the Lord did feed her. She had no cool milk to drink, but the Lord did provide milk. Indeed the Lord provided great abundance and Eve partook of the abundance only what she needed and the Lord was pleased. While the Dynergistics dined on a great feast, she heard their festivities and was not jealous but pleased, for the Lord had described it so.

On the third day, an angel appeared. The angel said, “Wherefore, Eve, I pray thee, harken all my words. My words shall be of uprightness in my heart. The Lord prays you to welcome every desert traveller. He prays you to divine the true knowledge of Enron, and you will be rewarded in heaven, and the curse shall be lifted in ten year’s time. You are clean without transgression and innocent and free of iniquity, and your words will be known to the naysayers and the Dynergistics, the auditors, and indeed all the world. But you must learn all you can from the ragged men of the desert for it is they who will lead you to the truth that is Enron!”

Eve was very humbled. “I shall do as you say,” she replied. “But a saint scientist came yester and he refused to partake in the fruit of the earth nor did he allow me to stroke him.”

“Aye,” said the angel. “You must find him again and he will reveal what he knows and you will listen. Lo, it is unto God.”

“It shall be so,” said Eve and the angel departed and Eve was alone again in the desert. The great parties and feasts of the Dynergistics were heard across the great valley, as the Lord had foretold. “Behold the Lord is great!” Eve proclaimed, and the angels in heaven were joyous for they knew Eve’s burden would be fulfilled.

The Enron Prophesy 2.2

As the saint scientist walked on blistered feet across the burning desert, he saw an oasis.  The saint scientist approached the oasis but did not enter.  He saw the pool of clear water, the cool shade beneath the palm trees, and the fruit of the earth before him.  And there beside the pool sat a writer, a woman of beauty beyond the description of mortal man.
 
The writer said to the saint scientist, “You may sit beside me, rest yourself, and partake of the fruits of the earth.  I will stroke you and help you and thereby ease your burdens.”
 
“No,” said the saint scientist.  “The burdens are mine alone.  The Lord has bestowed this challenge on me, and I will see it through.”
 
The saint scientist turned from the oasis and continued his walk across the desert, and the beautiful writer returned to her parchment where she recorded all that she knew.