It is time to give out my annual Christmas wishes. So:
To Jeff Skilling, I give freedom. I give him the ability to go wherever he wants, see whomever he wants, and never look back. I give him the company of civilized women and men, and I restore to him the full range of his experience and emotions.
I have two presents this year for Ken Rice. First, a motorcycle. To my amateur eye, this one looks quite amazing and innovative and super fast.
Secondly, since we know that he loved Ferraris while at Enron, I found a way that he can keep one close to him forever. A crashed Ferrari smashed down into a coffee table:
After his prison sentence, Kevin Hannon pretty much vanished off the radar, but I don’t think he’s really gone. I keep expecting to hear that he has done something amazing. So for the man who, in my imagination, is always arriving, I give a Gulfstream g650.
To Rick Causey, I give a lifetime membership to the Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, Florida.
The formidable Gary Mulgrew is quite difficult to shop for. What do Scottish people like? And what would he like? I’ve come to the conclusion that every Scot must have a castle from which to fight the English to save the English from the English. Is that not what makes you a Scot in the first place? Therefore, I give you Skibo Castle. I hear it freezes winter, so do bring thermal underwear.
David Bermingham, being English, owns the whole world. Empire much, David? But since I do love the English, I give a promise that we will stop sending semi-talented American movie stars to England and letting them adopt horrible faux-English accents. Oh, and also, you can have Spain.
For Giles Darby, who seems like the quintessential English gentleman, I give tea with the Queen.
To Rex Shelby, I give an adorable puppy.
To Joseph Hirko, I give the Hawaiian phrase for “you’re my hero.” And a small Hawaiian island.
To Scott Yeager, I give a velvety quarterhorse.
To William Fuhs I give a satellite named after you.
To Tim Belden, I give LL Cool J who will sing “Going Back To Cali” anytime you wish.