The Cara Ellison Zombie Escape Plan

It’s all fun and games until the living dead show up and start acting like total assholes: harassing you at work, showing up in the backseat of your car, trying to eat your brains when you’re watching the Superbowl. And the deeper you get into a zombie crises, the more everyone acts like an asshole. So you can see how a zombie crisis can quickly grow into a real, entrenched, and unmanageable problem.

That’s why we here at Cara Ellison Corp. have a zombie escape plan, and we’d like to share it with you in the hopes that when the day comes that zombies take over the planet, you have a chance of survival.

Step One
When you first become aware that zombies have arrived, it is critical you stay calm. Luckily Cara Ellison Corp. owns three pharmaceutical companies which produce safe, highly addictive Zombie-B-Gone pills, sold under the trade name Zomcam. The pills will immediately make you calm and make you believe you have superhero powers. They will give you an opportunity to assess the situation and formulate your next steps.

Step Two
If you can’t outrun the zombies, you will need to find safe shelter immediately. We here at Cara Ellison Corp. have designed the Zoogloo, which is a plastic igloo with triple-bolted locks that will keep zombies out, and you safe inside.

Step Three
If the zombies in your neighborhood as much assholes as the ones in my neighborhood, you could be in your Zoogloo for a while. You’ll need nourishment. That’s why Cara Ellison manufactures Little Cara Snack Cakes. They have a shelf life of eighty years, and they’re just plain delicious!

Step Four
Relax. With asshole zombies pounding at the Zoogloo door and nothing to watch on teevee, your best bet is to simply take another Zomcam in your cozy little Zoogloo and eat Cara’s cake until you think it safe to leave.

Remember: most zombie crises do end. With Cara Ellison controlling your brain, your environment and your food, you’re prepared for whatever zombie crisis life throws at you next!